You can't pour from an empty cup!

Lucy’s been in a hell of a state. She’s been struggling to keep up at school and it’s getting harder and harder to keep myself afloat. That sounds awful doesn’t it, it’s not as if I think it’s all about me but it’s my job to keep her going. I have to rally her, to guide her. To catch her when she falls. When the tears are tripping her, I have to wipe them dry. I have to keep a stiff upper lip when hers is wobbling. I have to hug her for dear life when she breaks down. I have to fight for her and be her advocate and stick up for her when she’s getting the shitty end of the stick. I do all this ten-fold, and I will never ever stop until my dying breath. But it’s tough and I have to admit I’m struggling too.

School isn’t really much cop. They can empathise to a point but don’t get it. Not many people can or do, to be honest. She has highly specialised needs which are beyond the school. She has mates but sometimes they don’t know how to deal with it either but they do love her to bits and always try and put a smile on her face. They message her loads and send funny videos and memes to distract her, plus they go out for tea when she’s well enough to do that.

The latest episode has double-whacked her, as her issues often do. Her anxiety is monumental and it’s also kicked off her Crohn’s which is a nightmare anyway. She’s been afraid to leave the house, bless her, and wants to stay indoors. I’m the only person who can really calm her and I’ve been up the wall juggling her, and she’s obviously my priority, but trying to keep work sweet and run the house, looking after the others…it’s system overload time for me.

I can cope but for how long? It’s not as if my hubby, bless him, is much use when it comes to Lucy. I should be thankful he can at least offer me a shoulder to cry on, and he does make a mean chips, sausage and egg for the kids, so he does do what he can in the ways he can be helpful, if that makes sense? Still, it’s my role to steady the ship and steer us through the increasingly choppy waters life hurls our way. If I can keep a firm grip on the wheel, even if my legs are buckling underneath me, I reckon I’ll be alright.

Work is brilliant about it and I ought to open up more about her, but I don’t want to bring everyone else down, some of them look downbeat and downtrodden at the best of times. I know I must look after myself because I have to be on tip-top form to carry her. I’d love to go for one of those therapy sessions, like Reflexology or an Indian Head Massage, yet the guilt eats me up even contemplating it. But it’d give me a boost and that's what I desperately need.