The Cycle of Self-Torment

 I wish things could be different. Ever felt like you just don’t want to be you anymore. That being in your body repulses you as much as it no doubt repulses everyone else. When I say that, I mean others are equally repulsed by me as I am of myself. My insides bubble away most of the time now. No let up, no respite. I see shit loads of posts online about how you ought to be kind to yourself. I genuinely don’t know if I can be kind or how I would go about trying.

Now and again I re-activate this dating app. I scroll through and see some nice men. I’ve come to accept it will only ever be a game, something make believe I try when I have a miniscule amount of confidence. It’s a repetitive cycle even I’m totally bored of now. They have a swipe right thing where you can show you’re interested. Don’t get me wrong, you can tell there are many fakes. The ones who are widowed airline pilots or doctors who are drop-dead gorgeous, dazzling teeth, too perfect pictures… But, there are several decent looking guys on there.

Okay so I have this routine where I re-activate the app, add some of the people who’ve friend requested me, and engage in a bit of light flirting over a few messages. And then I lose my bottle and delete the app. It’s like I don’t want it to become real which is what it would do if I did get to know someone. God help the people who want to get to know me, they’d vomit all over the place if they did. Having this ongoing torment is exhausting and torturous. I know what’s going to happen but all I can do is simply watch by, as if I’m having an out-of-body experience, and go through the same rigmarole over and over again. Maybe it’s a form of OCD? Like a routine you do in vain but can’t help it.

It does feel safer than having to engage with potential partners. I can hide behind my screen and pretend for as long as I need to before I cut the inevitable tie. It’s a shame because some of them are hilarious, hot as hell, charming, I wonder what could be if I let myself… well, live! Sadly my anxiety kicks in to remind me to not dare get above my station and pretend I’m someone desirable and worth loving and taking care of. As well as flirting I might also sabotage by saying something crazy to put them off me. Usually works a treat, radio silence will follow on their part, I’ll have scared them off and see them metaphorically fleeing for the hills quicker than Speedy Gonzales, job done. This is another twisted way of justifying to myself I’m not worth a punt. I get in there first and invent some craziness before they find some of their own within me. But, I… I just wish that I didn’t have to do that. I want to be loved and to be able to be me.